Final Fantasy at the Maury Povich Show
by ZeldaRubix
Summary: This is a satirical look at Final Fantasy and America's guilty pleasure The Maury Povich Show. It only mentions two crossovers, but there are several characters from different games. It is written in play format and contains crass humor so it's rated T.
1. Chapter 1

Final Fantasy at the Maury Pauvich Show

ACT 1

Maury: We have Serah here...

(Audience awes)

Maury: Serah is harboring a secret...

(Audience oohs)

(Serah looks down and wipes her eyes in shame)

Maury: Her boyfriend Snow believes that she's pregnant with his child...

(Cut to a shot of Snow pacing back and forth back stage. Audience awes)

Maury: But Serah has been hiding the fact that she has been sleeping with one of Snow's bestfriends Saz.

(Cut to a shot of Saz sitting back in the green isolation room looking nervous. Audince boos)

(Serah wipes more tears from her eyes and looks up)

Maury: Why come here on this forum to tell Snow this terrible thing.

Serah: Because I didn't know what else to do. Snow is so proud to be the father, but honestly at the time I got pregnant I was still fooling around with Saz.

(Audience boos)

Serah: I just want to come clean for the sake of our child.

(Maury shakes his head and looks down)

Maury: Let's invite Snow to the show.

(Snow comes from backstage looking slightly uncomfortably and sits down next to Serah. Audience cheers "Snow, Snow!" several times)

Maury: How are you doing Snow?

(Snow sits back looking at Maury with a certain amount of indignation)

Snow: I'm fine Maury how are you?

Maury: I'm good son. How do you think your relationship with Serah is right now?

(Snow raises an eyebrow in immediate distrust and looks over at Serah who he sees has been crying)

Snow: As far as I know everything is good. I'm going to be a father soon.

(Audience awes and claps at Snow's sense of responsibility)

(Maury smiles sadly and puts a hand on his shoulder)

Maury: Serah has something she would like to tell you.

(Snow looks over at Serah uncomfortably, feeling definite swell of unorthodox anger)

Snow: What is it Serah?

(Serah wipes her eyes again and looks up at Snow with a little fear)

Serah: I-I've been keeping a secret from you.

(The Audience leans forward in suspense of the reaction)

(Snow looks around uncomfortably)

Snow: Which is?

(Serah's eyes fill with tears again)

Serah: I'm pregnant...

Snow: I know that. I'm the one who put it their.

Serah: Well...

(Snow shoots up angrily)

Snow: Well?

Serah: When I got pregnant we were having problems remember; you know the whole lacie thing, and we were fighting-

(Snow interrupts her)

Snow: (Shouting) Get to the point Serah!

(Serah looks at him a little shocked)

Serah: I am damn! The baby might not be yours!

(Audience oohs in resentment)

(Snow gets up shocked)

Snow: What?

(Tears immediately fill Serah's eyes again)

Serah: I'm so sorry!

(Snow jumps up and leaves the stage. Maury immediately gets up and follows Snow)

(Backstage Snow socks a hole through one of the walls, which stops Maury from pursuing him momentarily)

Maury: Snow I know it's hard son, but we can try and help you through this-

(Snow interrupts Maury)

Snow: How in the hell am I supposed to trust her?

(Maury smirks sympathetically)

Maury: Think about the baby. He or she still needs a father.

(Snow looks down angrily realizing Maury was right)

Maury: Why don't we go back out on stage and speak to Serah and see if we can fix this mess?

(Snow's eyes fill with tears; he immediately wipes them away)

Snow: I don't know if I want to Maury.

(Maury grips Snow's shoulder firmly)

Maury: It's okay son.

(Maury and Snow head back out to the front stage, where the audience cheers Snow on once they see him again)

(Snow sits back down next to Serah who is still crying and lifts his sit away from hers which generates another cheer from the audience)

(Maury turns and looks into camera one on the stage)

Maury: Serah has another secret to tell Snow after these commercial messages.

(Snow turns to Maury in shock and then back to Serah)

**Write a review and let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

ACT 2 (Return from commercial break)

Maury: We have Serah and Snow here; where Serah has just revealed a terrible secret to Snow about her cheating on him. Now Serah is going to reveal another secret to Snow. Serah?

(Snow looked at Serah disbelievingly)

Serah: I-I have to tell you who it was with.

(The audience oohs in resentment)

(Snow swallowed hard and turned to Serah angrily)

Snow: Who was it?

(Serah looks down at her hands)

Serah: (Sigh) It was Saz.

(Snow jumps up shocked; the audience gasps in disbelief)

Snow: What?

Serah: It was-

(Snow interrupts)

Snow: I heard you! How could you do this? Serah!

Maury: Let's bring out Saz shall we?

(Saz has just been directed by the backstage manager to come to the frontstage. The audience boos him when they see him)

(Saz sits next to Serah on the farther end of the stage. Snow gets up and tries to pound Saz, but Maury intervenes)

Saz: You should see your daddy now!

(Snow screams; Maury continues to hold Snow back)

Maury: How could you do this to your bestfriend Saz?

Saz: I never meant for this to happen. I was talking to Serah one day about my son and things just kind of escalated.

(Snow jumps up again, but a stage manager stops him)

Snow: You were going to be the best man at my wedding!

Saz: I still can be! You don't have to not get married because of this!

Snow: Why don't you just die? Ahhhh!

(Saz jumps up)

Saz: Time for the old switcheroo! I will zap a bolt on your ass if you touch me!

(Maury laughs uncomfortably)

Maury: We have Serah's sister here and she is going to weigh in on this situation after this.

(Snow stops wrestling with the stage security and looks over at Maury slightly concerned)

Snow: Lightining is here?

(Cut to a shot of Lightining whipping her sword around backstage)

Maury: We'll be right back.

**Please review and let me know what you think. Act 3 is coming soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

ACT 3

Maury: We are here with Serah, Snow, and Saz -that's a lot of "S's"-

(Audience laughs)

Maury: Anyway these young people are caught in a little bit of a love triangle-

(Saz interrupts)

Saz: There is no love triangle! These two are in love and that's the way it's going to stay!

Snow: Like hell it is!

Serah: Snow!

(Maury looks into the camera and smiles empathetically)

Maury: Well this is certainly an interesting situation be to be in. Let's see what Serah's sister Lighting has to say about the whole ordeal.

(Cut to a wide screen television where Lightining is standing backstage. A stage manager tells Lightining to go to the front stage)

(The audience cheers and claps when Lightining comes on stage. Lightining stops for a moment to pose on stage. Both Serah and Snow look nervous)

(Maury gets up and greets Lightining and gestures for her to sit down next to Snow. Snow glances nervously at Lightining)

Maury: I'm sure you've heard everything that's been going on. How do you feel about all of these secrets coming out now?

Lightining: I can't say I'm surprised. I never liked Saz or Snow, and now both these bastards used my sister. I should kill them.

(Saz and Snow look at each other uncomfortably. Maury laughed uncomfortably)

Maury: Now, now let's not be hasty Lightining dear. We need them to finish this segment.

(Lightining looked at Snow angrily and then darted her eyes to Saz)

Lightining: All right, but when I do kill them just stay out of my way.

(Snow shakes his head disapprovingly)

Maury: What's the matter Snow?

Snow: (Sigh) I just think it's funny that she wants to sit in judgement on us when she's a little hypocrite!

(Maury looks at the camera in pretend shock)

Maury: What do you mean son?

(Serah looks from Snow to Lightining in confusion)  
>Serah: What are you talking about Snow?<p>

(Lightining jumps up from her seat and pulls out her sword and points it a Snow's cheek)

Lightining: If you say a word I'll cut your tongue out and feed it to Red XIII!

(The sudience gasps. Red XIII raises his head)

Red XIII: Don't get me caught in the middle of this!

(Liightining turns arounds and points her sword at Red XIII)

Lightining: Shut-up! (She turns back to Snow) You better watch it!

(Snow gets up and stands over Lightining)

Snow: You're not going to act high and mighty when you know that you and I slept together!

(Audience gasps in shock and oohs loudly. Serah's mouth drops open inadvertantly; Saz raises his eyebrows not looking particularly surprised)

Saz: I already knew that. Snow you told me this last year.

(Serah looked over at Saz shocked)

Serah: Last year?

Snow: (He scratches his head) Dude you're right bro! I totally forgot!

(Lightining then points her sword at Saz)

Lightining: Shut-up!

Serah: (Shout to Lightining) You tramp!

Lightining: I wanted to make sure he was good enough for you!

Serah: For a whole year?

Maury: (To Lightining) She does have a point.

Lightining: You shut-up as well! It was my duty as a soldier.

(Maury looks precociously at the camera)

Maury: Well sign me up for the next draft!

(Audience laughs)

(Suddenly a male figure came running from backstage; it was Squall Leonhart)

Squall: Damn! I thought I would get here before Serah made a fool of herself!

(Snow turns to Squall)

Snow: Who in the hell are you?

(Squall gives Snow a confused look but then takes out his gunblade)

Squall: I'm Serah's fiance

Snow: What?

(Serah looks down and bites her lower lip)

Serah: (To herself) I thought I broke it off with Squall six months ago.

(A member in the audience suddenly stands up; it's Rinoa Heartilly)

Rinoa: Squall are you nuts? You're with me!

(Squall turns and points his gunblade at Rinoa)

Squall: Not any longer! You drive me nuts with all your personality shifts. One moment you're you the next you're Ultimecia.

(Ultimecia stands up from her seat)

Ultimecia: I resent that!

(Lightining turns her attention to Squall)

Lightining: This has nothing to do with you. Get lost before you get hurt!

(Squall turns his blade to Lightining)

Squall: You don't scare me chick. I'm a soldier too!

(In the audience Cloud Strife stood up and wielded his buster sword)

Cloud: You're no soldier Squall; you're a SeeD in a bootleg garden!

(Tifa who was sitting next to Cloud tugged on his belt to get him to sit down)

Tifa: Will you shut-up! This has nothing to do with us!

(Cloud looked down at Tifa)

Cloud: But it does Tifa; it does!

(Maury shakes his head in disbelief, but then looks over at the camera again and smiles)

Maury: We'll be right back.

**Please write a review and tell me what you think.**


End file.
